The 313 Second Movie Review: "Beowulf"

Hey guys. Welcome back to probably the last 313 Second Movie Review of the year. Yeah, I know, sad, isn't it? Don't worry. I'll be back with this in '08. But before we get ahead of ourselves, there's a movie to look at. So here we go with the movie "Beowulf". The film stars Ray Winstone as Beowulf, Crispin Glover as Grendel, Angelina Jolie as Grendel's Mother, Anthony Hopkins as Hrothgar, Robin Wright Penn as Wealthow, John Malkovich as Unferth, Brendan Gleeson as Wiglaf, and Alison Lohman as Ursula. Now, here we look at 8th century Denmark, where Hrothgar, the king of his people, is celebrating a great win over an enemy with his kingdom. But, as parties often do, they get a little too loud. Maybe not loud enough to disturb an average human standing, say, five miles away. But when a giant monster who has all five senses heightened that far away, it's bad news. Enter Grendel. Grendel destroys Hrothgar's party and slaughters most of his men. These actions force the king to shut down his beloved mead hall and ends all "merriment, joy, and fornication" in the kingdom until Grendel is dead. (DAMN!) Enter our hero, Beowulf. He and his men "invite" Grendel back to the mead hall with another loud feast. Surely enough, the freak of nature is back, but Beowulf fights him (naked, in the most uneasy scene for a straight male this year) and slices off the monster's arm, which makes Grendel suffer a slow and painful death. Beowulf and his men go into the forest and come back to Hrothgar and Wealthow with news that Grendel and his oh so seductive mother have been killed. As a reward, Hrothgar names Beowulf his successor. However, not all is quite right, as Unferth, one of Hrothgar's men who is working to move the people from monsters and mead to some new thing called Christianity, smells something rotten in Denmark (sorry, I couldn't resist). Years later, Beowulf, still with muscles but now also with gray hair, has received the kingdom and Wealthrow's hand in marriage. For some reason, the sex life her has been less then quality, but it's setting of fireworks with his teenage mistress, Ursula. More than likely, it has something do with what happened when Beowulf and his crew first arrived. Now, calling this movie a special effects specticle just doesn't do it justice. The genius we all know and love as Robert Zemeckis used the same process he used in "The Polar Express" (and what I reported was used for the creation of The Silver Surfer earlier in the year). The effects in "Beowulf", however, far outperform those in "The Polar Express" (still a quality movie, though). Most of the characters seem so real, you can swear up and down that's a live action movie. As for the plot, those of you who had the misfortune of reading the poem in high school, you'll appreciate this movie. Zemeckis makes it easy for almost all viewers. Instead of putting you to sleep, it will keep you on the edge of your seat. And as for Angelina Jolie's hotness in this film, even in animated form, she looks smokin'. Of course, I'll gladly spend the night with you, Angelina. But you better wait until I'm done with Jennifer Aniston. ;)

Well, like I said, this is probably my last 313 Second Movie Review for 2007. So sad. God, look at all the films I reviewed this year. "Zodiac", "300", "Blades of Glory", "Grindhouse", "Spider-Man 3", "28 Weeks Later", "Shrek the Third", "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End", "Knocked Up", "Ocean's Thirteen", "Surf's Up", "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", "Evan Almighty", "Live Free or Die Hard", "Ratatouille", "Transformers", "License to Wed", "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", "Hairspray", "The Simpsons Movie", "The Bourne Ultimatum", "Superbad", "Rush Hour 3", "Stardust", "The Nanny Diaries", "Good Luck Chuck", "American Gangster", "Beowulf". The best part is when I said I'd review only the movies I'd probably like, I did just that. While "300" is the one movie out of all those that I'd be pulling to get nominated for Best Picture at the next Oscars, I never once left the theater disappointed. Don't worry guys. This feature will return in 2008.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Rilo Kiley "Silver Lining"