The 313 Second Movie Review: "Grindhouse"

Welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. Let me start off with this message. There are some films you're not so sure of until you see it, in my case, "Blades of Glory" would serve as a prime example. Others you know are going to be quality work solely based on who's directing, and for me, that fits two films; "Zodiac" with David Fincher, and "300" with Zack Snyder. So I knew I wasn't going to be disappointed with this next movie. However, I did not expect Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino to kick so much ass. They did. In case you're living under a rock, I'm of course referring to "Grindhouse." The film stars Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling and Pam, Freddy Rodriguez as El Wray, Josh Brolin as Dr. William Block, Marley Shelton as Dr. Dakota Block, Michael Biehn as Sheriff Hague and The Sheriff, Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike, Rosario Dawson as Abernathy, Vanessa Ferlito as Arlene/Butterfly, Jordan Ladd as Shanna and Judy, Sydney Tamiia Poitier as Jungle Julia, Tracie Thoms as Kim, and Zoe Bell as Zoe. Now, I'm too young to know first-hand about this, but back in the 1970's, grindhouse movie theatres were in every metropolis in the country. They'd show multiple B-movies at the price of one ticket, these films being stuffed with gore and violence and numerous trailers, and they'd be open 24/7. Welcome to Grindhouse 2007, ladies and gentlemen. After your standard QT movie introduction, you get a trailer to the film "Machette." Sorry, guys, it's not real, and props to the projectionist for knowing that and not putting the theatre lights on. The trailer was directed by Robert Rodriguez, depicting the tale of an illegal Mexican immigrant hired to kill a Senator, only to be shot by his own crew and deciding to take revenge. Enjoy watching Cheech Marin as a gun-slinging Catholic priest. On to the Rodriguez directed "Planet Terror." It starts off the lovely Ms. McGowan as a teary-eyed, hard-nosed stripper leaving her club. By the way, if you want to see her naked, you'll come close only to be met with disappointment, and shortly afterwards, laughter. As she's heading out, the Block family of doctors is treating some really bad problems. People are coming in with nasty boils on their faces, among other nasty problems. Turns out a nerve gas was released from a military base and turning people into zombies. STACY, GET OUT OF THE ROAD! On top of that, the Block doctors are in the middle of one very unhappy marriage. This carries over to the husband trying to kill the wife. Meanwhile, Cherry meets with her ex-boyfriend, Wray, reluctantly giving her a ride home. On the road, Wray flips his tow truck to avoid hitting a zombie, only to have a group of them jump Cherry and rip her leg off. Wray drops Cherry off at the hospital, and shortly later, it turns into the epicenter of zombies vs. the living. This allows Dr. Dakota Block to escape the hospital, and Wray, tired of Cherry feeling useless, gives her a desk leg as a leg, pretty effectivly, too. As all that goes down, Cherry, Wray, Dakota, and a group of survivors including sheriff's deputies, doctors, biochemical engineers, steakhouse chefs, strip club owners, and babysitters, look to fight back. As that plot unfolds, the zombie hunters become more unified, and Cherry sports the signature M4 assault rifle with a grenade launcher attached. Nice. That's where I'll cut "Planet Terror" short, since I don't want to give too much away. Three more trailers appear. First is "Werewolf Women of the S.S.," directed by Rob Zombie. The plot there involves Adolf Hitler's attempt to create a race genetically superior superwomen. Too bad the women become werewolves. Wait until you see Nicolas Cage, wearing a fake beard and mustasche like an Ancient Chinese philosopher. Next is "Don't," a trailer with Will Arnett warning you, "Don't go into the house, don't open the door, don't look behind you, don't go into the basement, etc." Basically rips on every horror movie cliche possible, which is no surprise since the trailer was made by Edgar Wright, the man responsible for "Shaun of the Dead." Finally is "Thanksgiving," directed by Eli Roth. Plymouth, Massachusetts loves Thanksgiving. Too bad the town is being stalked by a manical killer. Ladies, this trialer will make you want to avoid doing the splits on a trampoline. Fianlly, we reach the Tarantino half of the film, "Death Proof." What are five girls to do but drink their troubles away? Exactly what radio DJ Jungle Julie and friends go to do. This is where the ladies meet Stuntman Mike, who boasts of his stunts for TV shows the girls are too young to know of. Unimpressed, he accepts the offer of one girl to be drive her home. ROSE, STAY OUT OF THE CAR! Well, his car is deathproof. Problem for the girl is, that benefit is only provided by being in the driver's seat, so guess what happens to the drunken lady. After that, Stuntman Mike focuses on the other four girls, crashing into their car head on at 200 mph, killing them all, him surviving. The homicidal madman targets four ladies from a movie set. They include two stunt artists (including Zoe Bell playing herself, Kiwi accent included), a make-up artist and a dumbass actress. Kim, the other stuntwoman, convinces the crew to con a hick out of a 1970 Dodge Charger with a white paint job. *drools* So while the actress gets stuck with satisfying the owner, Kim, Zoe, and the make-up artist going for a joy ride including Zoe doing one hell of a dangerous stunt. Enter Stuntman Mike, who attacks the car. "Terminator 2" and "Final Destination 2" got nothing on this car chase scene. Once he is shaken off, the girls turn the tables, going after Stuntman Mike in a classic scene. At the end of "Planet Terror" and "Death Proof," the audience actually applauded. I was with them on that. This movie kicked ass. The action sequences were performed to perfection, the acting was outstanding, and it looked like a real grindhouse flick. The screen even had "missing, still, or repeated" reels, color changes, and those annoying squiggly lines you notice on occassion. The dark humor was well-timed and well-executed. Granted, I wouldn't put this next to "300" as a potential Oscar nominee. But, you should, I repeat more clearly, SHOULD, see this movie. It is worth every cent. And also, look for the inevitable unrated DVD. Hopefully, that will give us some Rose flesh. KICK ASS!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Beyonce "Ring The Alarm"