The 313 Second Movie Review: "Ratatouille"

Note to self: Renting is cheaper. Oh, hey! What's up, gang? Welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. This certainly isn't getting old for me. Good movies, good times, good memories. What's not to like? Anyways, I'm ready for the second review for this week. Today, I will be looking at "Ratatouille." The film stars Patton Oswalt as Remy, Lou Romano as Linguini, Peter Sohn as Emile, Brad Garrett as Gusteau, Janeane Garofalo as Colette, Ian Holm as Skinner, and Brian Dennehy as Django. So in case you've been living under a rock, this is the story of Remy, a rat who strives for elegance and creativity with his food choices. Of course, being a rat, that creates issues. His brother, Emile, thinks he's weird, and his father, Django, looks way down on these awkard habits of his son. The colony of rats lives out in the French countryside, picking up whatever scraps of food they can get their claws on from the bottom of a garbage can. Well, Remy, wanting give the colony something new and tasty, tries a kitchen raid. It fails horribly, and an attack from the owner of the house brings the colony to the French sewage system (GAG!). Remy finds himself seperated from his family and friends, but the ghost of his idle, the human chef Gusteau, brings Remy into the heart of the City of Love itself, Paris. And on top of that, Remy finds himself at Gusteau's, the restaurant once owned and operated by France's most successful chef. Gusteau's once served as the premier spot of fine dining in the many fancy restaurants in Paris, France. However, when he died, his legacy went with it. What was once a five-star eatery as turned into a three-star dining room for upper-class tourists. And really doesn't help when the new head chef, Skinner, is so greedy he can't help use the name to brand frozen, canned, and fast foods. Worst yet, the rapid decline has been quickened by the pompous critic Anton Ego, who is to fine dining as Ebert & Roeper are to fine cinema: Very picky. When Remy comes into the kitchen, so does Linguini, an awkard, lanky, clumsy kid who only got in with a letter of recommendation that could spell disaster for Skinner. Poor Linguini gets the low job of garbage boy at the restaurant. Well, as Linguini is in charge of eyeing a soup stock, and the second-in-command, Collete (the lone female in the kitchen), has her attention diverted, Remy starts toying with the spices and making a new soup. The soup is served to its loyal customers, and they fall in love with it. Linguini gets the credit, but when he discovers it was Remy who concocted the soup, the boy who couldn't cook forms a partnership with the rat who could cook. Linguini's success grows, and he and Collete find themselves falling for one another. Ahh, so many plotlines you can look at in this movie. Remy vs. Django. Remy vs. the hatred of rats. Skinner vs. the entire restaurant. Remy and Gusteau. Linguini and Collete. Nothing like love, friendship, and conflict to help make a movie. Of course, since it is a Disney film made with Pixar, you know it's going to be good. "Ratatouille" is so full of immagination and ambition, it really helps in building an idea of hopes and dreams. Plus, the whole scene of the kitchen from a rat's-eye-view makes for one of the most original, freightening, and mesmerizing backdrops I have ever seen. Trust me guys, this one is not just for the kids. It may be rated G, but I think kids and adults alike will find "Ratatouille" to be one of the most original films of the year. Granted, I still only have "300" as something that deserves to be a Best Picture nominee at the next Oscars, but I think even though it falls just short of the Spartan movie's award status, this Disney and Pixar film deserves nothing more than to be passed down from generation to generation like so many Disney films before it.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Maroon 5 "Makes Me Wonder"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Live Free or Die Hard"

Welcome back once again to the 313 Second Movie Review. Yeah, I know. I've been keeping myself busy this summer. And I got the bank statement to prove it. Anyways, why don't I look at the next movie? Today, I'll be talking about the British/American movie "Live Free or Die Hard." The film stars Bruce Willis as John McClane, Justin Long as Matt Farrell, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Lucy McClane, Timothy Olyphant as Thomas Gabriel, and Maggie Q as Mai Lihn. Now, I trust you've all seen the previous "Die Hard" movies, so I really shouldn't bother hitting rewind. Let's do this. Everybody's favorite loose cannon cop, John McClane, is back. However, things have not really improved for him in the last twelve years. His wife divorced him for good and his daughter, Lucy, isn't talking to him. Well, things start off ordinary. And for McClane, that means being in the wrong place at the wrong time. White, nerdy, and dangerous Thomas Gabriel, flanked by loyal henchmen Mai Lihn and Rand, has broken into the FBI computer crimes lab. The guy is a little obsessed with getting back at the government. See, he tried to convince the Department of Defense that even after 9/11, our technological infrastructure is very fragile. Unfortunately, he pissed off military officials by hacking into NORAD (the American and Canadian satellite defense system) from a laptop. They wind up humiliating him and throw him out on his ass. Well, not only has he busted the FBI, he's knocking off skilled hackers. One of them, Matt Farrell, is taken by McClane to go to the FBI for questioning about the aforementioned hacking. Thomas' men try to eradicate Matt and McClane in the process, but fail. Soon after, Washington's traffic comes to a complete standstill, and McClane and Matt find themselves in a battle that only heats up as Thomas' plan continues to unravel. Overall, this was a very solid "Die Hard" movie. It contained the suspense of the original three. Also on the plus side was they rehashed the McClane isn't alone angle. Just like how Samuel L. Jackson unwittingly found himself assisting Bruce in "Die Hard With a Vengeance," Justin "Hello, I'm a Mac" Long finds right in to balance McClane out. McClane handles the hand-to-hand combat, but since he can't even get "Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival as his ringtone, Matt uses his techno-geek skills to aide McClane in once again getting out of an accidental situation to save the world. The effects were were amazing, from the highway game of Chicken to the numerous explosions to the "Matrix" like and jumping from building to building fighting skills. And I gotta give big ups to Bruce Willis. He still does his own stunts. I'd think a block of concrete hurts your back more at 52 than it does at 32. You just can't kill this man, though. He's a freaking machine. Must say, this lastest version of the "Die Hard" series has made the last 19 years of explosions and gunshots so much fun. And you know I'm not ending this thread without saying it. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: The Academy Is... "We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Evan Almighty"

Welcome one and all to the 313 Second Movie Review. Today, I'll be discussing "Evan Almighty." The film stars Steve Carell as Evan Baxter, Morgan Freeman as God, Lauren Graham as Joan Baxter, John Goodman as Congressman Long, Wanda Sykes as Rita, and Molly Shannon as Eve Adams. I trust you've all seen the film's predacessor, "Bruce Almighty." So, I really see no reason to hit rewind. Let's jump right in. The movie starts out with Evan closing his final news broadcast in Buffalo with a tearful trip down Memory Lane. Why? The Baxters are leaving Buffalo and heading to northern Virginia so Evan can live his new life as a member of the House of Representatives. His campaign slogan was to, "Change the world." Well, God does take things literally, doesn't He? God delivers a 64-piece tool set to the Baxter house and then taunts Evan with the number 614 (Genesis 6:14: So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out.). It isn't until Evan sees God that people believe he starts losing his mind (God during the Pledge of Allegiance: "...And to the Reupublic, For which it stands, One nation, Under me..." LOL). That doesn't stop a determined Congressman Long from trying to break in the rookie with a new bill that would call for development in national parks. God's response: Pester Evan with animals in need of a ride. That's right, two of each kind, because there is a flood on the way. And if you think Evan's luck couldn't possibly couldn't get worse, every time he shaves, his facial grows back *snaps fingers* like that. His grows longer by the second. And no power-suit can hide the Noah-like threads God provided Evan. Seeing this and watching Evan and the kids build the arc with some of the animals, not mention the wisecracks (*sarcastically* Hmm, why would Jon Stewart be in a Steve Carell movie?), Joan decides it's best she and the kids leave until she believes Evan gets his head on straight. But after some time, Joan realizes the arc and the impending flood are all part of an answer to her prayers, to spend more time as a family. As she returns with her children, Evan, Joan, and Co. try to convince everybody else they're not crazy, they're just a little unwell. Sorry couldn't resist. No, they're just trying to save lives at this point. It's really got a lot of heart behind it. You have a story that's teaches faith, family, and environmental friendliness. It's not really a sugarcoating tale, so it's perfect to see with or without kids. Now, everybody! DO THE DANCE!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Akon "Don't Matter"

27 bats silenced

This is something I wanted to write for a while, but put off for far too long. Here's how things went down.

First inning: Craig Counsell strikes out swinging on the game's fifth pitch. Tony Graffanino strikes out on the game's ninth pitch. J.J. Hardy lines out to Curtis Granderson.
Second inning: Prince Fielder pops out to Sean Casey, Corey Hart grounds out to Brandon Inge, and Geoff Jenkins strikes out swinging.
Third inning: Johnny Estrada grounds out to Placido Polanco. Bill Hall walks on seven pitches to become the first man on either side to reach base. Gabe Gross strikes out swinging and Counsell fell victim to an unassisted groundout at first. On the other half of the inning, with two hits, Inge gets the first on either side with a solo homer. 1-0, good guys.
Fourth inning: Graffanino strikes out swinging for the second time. Hardy walks on five pitches. Fielder strikes out looking and Hart strikes out swinging.
Fifth inning: Jenkins strikes out swinging, Estrada grounds to first with the hero covering, Hall walks on five pitches for his second BB, and Gross grounds out to second. Meanwhile, Casey reaches first with a walk, but is erased when Ivan Rodriguez hits into a double play. Craig Monroe lines out.
Sixth inning: Bad guys go down, 1-2-3. Counsell grounds to second, Graffanino strikes out swinging, and Hardy grounds out to third. Meanwhile, the good guys get two more runs, thanks to Inge's leadoff walk, Neifi Perez's bunt, Grnderson's triple, and Polanco's sac fly. Though he survived Gary Sheffield's one out double, Jeff Suppan is mortally wounded, with the good guys up, 3-0.
Seventh inning: Bad guys go down in order again. Fielder grounded out to the mound. Hart hits a ball to right, thinking history will not be made, only to have Magglio Ordonez come up with an excellent sliding catch. Jenkins strikes out swinging. Meanwhile, Suppan gets Rodriguez to ground out to shortstop, but Monroe doubles, Inge singles, as does Perez, making it 4-0, good guys. Suppan gets yanked manager Ned Yost and is replaced by Jose Cappellan. Cappellan, who will join the good guys later in the year, gets Granderson and Polanco to keep the defeict at four.
Eighth inning: Estrada grounds to first with our hero covering the bag. The hero then walks his fourth batter, being Hall on seven pitches, so that's his third walk. Gross hits the second pitch to hard up the middle, but somehow, Perez (who has a Gold Glove to his resume) keeps the ball in the infield and throws to Polanco for an amazing 6-4-3 double play. Our hero walks off the mound to a standing ovation, and the crowd knows they're three outs away from seeing a good guy do this since Jack Morris in 1984 and the first to see a good guy do this at home since Virgil Trucks in 1952. Meanwhile, Casey advanced with two outs with a walk, but was stranded as Rodriguez strikes out.
Ninth inning: Our hero returns to the mound with the crowd standing and applauding. He is nervous, the first pitch to Counsell misses horribly. He calms down, throwing six consecutive strikes to mow down Counsell and Graffanino swinging for strikeouts eleven and twelve. Hardy is the last hope for the bad guys. The first pitch from our hero is a perfect strike that wows the crowd, going 102 mph in the ninth inning. The next pitch was a foul ball thrown at 99 mph, and we are one strike from history. After another foul ball, Hardy hits a breaking ball to right. Ordonez snags it in his glove. Our hero has thrown the first no-hitter in Comerica Park's young history, and the Tigers beat the Brewers, 4-0. With his 12 strikeouts and four walks, our hero records a game score of 95. That is the best for a Tiger since future U.S. Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) went to Fenway Park on July 20, 1958 against the Red Sox, threw a no-hitter, striking out 12, and walking two for a game score of 97.

Congratulations on the no-hitter Justin Verlander. Your career is young. Many more may be on the way.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Carrie Underwood "Wasted"

Vengeance card and picks

-World Wrestling Entertainment Championship Challenge Match: John Cena (Champion) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. King Booker vs. Mick Foley vs. "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton

-World Heavyweight Championship "Last Chance" Match: Edge (Champion) vs. Batista

-World Tage Team Championships: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (Champions) vs. The Hardys

-Women's Championship: Melina (Champion) vs. Candice Michelle

-Finals for the vacant ECW Championship: "The Crippler" Chris Benoit vs. CM Punk

-Intercontinental Championship: Santino Marella (Champion) vs. Umaga

-World Wrestling Entertainment United States Championship: MVP (Champion) vs. "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair

-World Wrestling Entertainment Cruiserweight Championship: Chavo Guerrero (Champion) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

-World Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Championship Open Challenge: Deuce & Domino (Champions, with Cherry) vs. ?????

Well, this PPV looks to be a lot of fun. All nine titles are up for grabs tonight. I have the feeling there will be a lot of shaking up in the WWE tonight. And I'm really excited for the Chris Benoit vs. CM Punk match. Speaking of matches I'm excited about, I forgot to announce the Match of the Night from One Night Stand. That happens to be a tie. The first one was Batista vs. Edge. The second one was Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy. I mean, seriously. Few matches in the WWE are as good as a cage match or a ladder match. As for tonight, my record currently stands at 93-79. I hope I'm picking smart tonight. I'm going with John Cena, Edge, Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy, Candice, CM Punk, Umaga, Montel Vontavious Porter, Jimmy Wang Yang, and Deuce & Domino (though that pick is subject to change). Wish me luck.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Beyonce "Upgrade U"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer"

Alright, last movie, for now. Welcome back to yet another edition of the 313 Second Movie Review. As I suddenly wonder why I didn't get a Pepsi to stop the sweat that drips down during this exhaustive work, *runs, gets Pepsi, comes back* I thought, "I don't want to fall too far behind. Let's get it over with." So, here I am, one more review. Here's my lastest report, and personally, I feel the American/German movie "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" is the next best choice available. The film stars Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards, Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm, Chris Evans as Johnny Storm, Doug Jones as The Silver Surfer, Julian McMahon as Victor Von Doom, Kerry Washington as Alicia Masters, and Laurence Fishburne as The Silver Surfer. OK, let me clear up The Silver Surfer confusion. Doug Jones was the model used to create The Silver Surfer's CGI body (similar to Gollum, the latest version of King Kong, and the characters in "The Polar Express), while Laurence Fishburne provided The Silver Surfer's voice. Now I trust you've all seen this film's predacessor, "Fantastic Four," so I see no reason to hit rewind. Let's jump right in. The film starts with a series of odd natural occurances. A bay off the southeastern coast of Japan is suddenly solid rock. The Egyptian pyramids and the Sphinx in Giza are blanketed in snow. Never mind all that, because the media is more focused on the holy matramony of Sue Storm (the Invisble Woman) and Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic). Well, it's not like ignoring weird acts of nature will bite us in the ass, right? Wrong! The Silver Surfer comes in and spoils the wedding. Too bad for the Four. When Johnny Storm (the Human Torch) goes after The Silver Surfer on chase from NYC to DC, his powers are suddenly changed, In fact, any member of the Four he touches, they switch powers. Butch, good news, he comes in contact with Sue, and she isn't wearing the jumpsuit. Catch my drift? Also, he has comic encounter with the Thing. Well, things go from bad to worse for the Four. They now have to take orders for the uptight General Hager (what's with the my-way-or-the-highway military officials in movies). From worse to worst, The Silver Surfer and Victor Von Doom (you really didn't think he was dead, did you) come into contact with one another. This leads the Four on chase for both The Silver Surfer and Dr. Doom at London's Millenium Eye (sup, Victor), the Black Forest in Germany, the frozen tundra of Siberia, and the streets of downtown Shanghai. All the while, Sue tries to persaude The Silver Surfer that there are other options other than destroying the planet. The Silver Surfer then reveals a chilling statement: He's not the bad guy, he's simply the messenger. He is indebted to the real destroyer, Galactus, a large solar storm that destroys whatever planet that it sends The Silver Surfer to scout. Sucks to be the Four at this point. How the hell do you stop a giant cloud of cosmic energy that devours planets? Well, I gotta say, while I like "Fantastic Four," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" was leaps and bounds ahead of the original. Sure, it's still got all the kid's humor, but it's still dark and sends a few messages here and there. If you want to know more about The Silver Surfer, don't look to me. Go to a theatre and look for yourself.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Crime Mob "Rock Yo Hips"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Surf's Up"

And the hits just keep on coming. Welcome back to another edition of the 313 Second Movie Review. This time, "Surf's Up" is the movie I'll be looking at. The film stars Shia LaBeouf as Cody Maverick, Zooey Deschanel as Lani Aliikai, Jeff Bridges as Big Z/Geek, James Woods as Reggie Belafonte, and Jon Heder as Chicken Joe. The best way to describe this movie as a CGI cross between the surfing documentary "Riding with Giants," which like this movie uses vintage newsreels and shaky camera work, with the storyline of "The Karate Kid." WITH PENGUINS! (OK, so I know many of you are sick of penguins right now, but one the bright side, they'll be working with Jessica Alba in "Good Luck Chuck.") So we start out by meeting the hero of the story, Cody Maverick, a cocky, ambitious, surfing penguin from Shiverpool, Antarctica (comedic rimshot). An outcast among the other rockhopper penguins in Shiverpool, Cody is obsessed with the late surfer, Big Z. The young penguin finally gets to live his dream as he hopes on to the whale destined for Pen Gu Island, Hawaii (who the hell comes up with these bad names), the site of the big annual surfing competition. Cody quickly befriends Chicken Joe (guess which animal he is), the equivalent to the stoner in real surfing documentaries. Too bad Cody's way out of his league. After confronting the nine-time defending champion Tank Evans, the snake-like promoter of the event, Reggie Belafonte, a sea otter who shares Don King's lack of business ethics and (apparently) hairstylist, pits the two penguins against one another. Lani, a lovely female lifeguard who is the twinkle in Cody's eye, comes into save our hero after he gets his tailfeathers kicked badly. Lani takes Cody to meet Geek, a recluse penguin who knows a thing or two about surfing. Almost instanly, I realized Geek was somebody else. Took Cody long enough to notice Geek was actually an alive and well Big Z. A cross between The Dude from "The Big Lebowski" and Mr. Miyagi from "The Karate Kid," Z assists Cody in building up his skills for the competition. Now, it's certainly a kid's movie, but you know what? I don't care. The adult humor mixed in with the kiddie jokes made for a laugh-a-minute rib breaking. You should have seen my sister when she saw this. A broad smile crossed her face every time Chicken Joe graced the screen. Now, it does have it's predictable points, but it still makes up for those in the jokes that an older audience will appreciate (and maybe jokes targeted for kids, if you happen to be a kid heart). All I must say is, keep giving us penguin movies! Oh, right, Jessica Alba.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Beyonce "Beautiful Liar"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Ocean's Thirteen"

Thought I was gone, eh? Think again. Welcome back to the blog, and also, welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. I feel like coming back with an "Ocean's Thirteen" review, how about you? Great. The movie stars George Clooney as Danny Ocean, Brad Pitt as Rusty Ryan, Matt Damon as Linus Caldwell/Lenny Pepperidge, Andy Garcia as Terry Benedict, Scott Caan as Turk Malloy, Don Cheadle as Basher Tarr/Fender Roads, Casey Affleck as Virgil Malloy, Elliott Gould as Reuben Tishkoff, Bernie Mac as Frank Catton, Al Pacino as Willie Bank, Ellen Barkin as Abigail Sponder, and Eddie Izzard as Roman Nagel. Now, I trust you've all seen the previous two "Ocean's" movies, so I feel there is no need to hit rewind. Let's dive right in. Oh, by the way, hate to disappoint, but Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones didn't come back for this film. Now then, things start off badly for the Ocean gang, as Reuben, the beloved fixer, suffers a stroke after casino powerhouse Bank informs him that he will not be getting a promised share in the stake of the developing Bank Casino & Hotel, soon to open on the Las Vegas Strip. This brings together Ocean and his crew to get even at Bank. This time, it's not about getting the money, it's about getting revenge. With the assistance of Roman Nagel, the newest member of the crew who knows the in's and out's of the Bank. Of course, taking down a multibillionaire isn't easy, as Bank's right-hand woman Abigail is on hand, making sure the grand opening goes down without a hitch. And while Ocean's 11 would be in trouble without the assistance of loyal members like Saul Bloom, Basher Tarr, The Amazing Yin, Frank Catton, and Turk and Virgil Malloy, the two sidekicks pack the most wallop for Danny. Rusty was busy rigging rooms and the surrounding environment, but Linus got his time to shine posing as what I would call "the World's Greatest Lover," to help remove Abigail from the picture. Of course, you can't bankrupt a casino on its opening night without some outside assistance. So bring back Terry Bendict and Francois Toulour, as Danny's wife's ex-boyfriend and the Night Fox also have their own scores to settle with Bank. One last thing the crew has to do to bring Bank down is to influence the opinion of a critic, whose rating of one to five diamonds could make or break the Bank. Of course, it's because Ocean and Co. that the poor sap has perhaps the most miserable time of his life. You know, I really liked the last two "Ocean's" movies, but this one was a huge upgrade from the last film. It returned to the same premise as the original, and just like the other two films, it never feel short on laughs from our favorite fixers. Another masterfully done movie. Of course, 9 times out of 10, you're likely to say something like that about Steven Soderbergh.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "False Pretense"

One Night Stand Results

Well, I must say I have been on fire. Thanks to wins from John Cena; Edge; Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy; Bobby Lashley; and CM Punk, Sandman, & Tommy Dreamer (but no thanks to losses from Melina, Randy Orton, and Kane), I went 5-3 at One Night Stand. That pushes my record to 93-79. Fourteen wins over .500! Celebration!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Joss Stone "Tell Me 'Bout It"

Lord, why me?

The Cavaliers beat the Pistons in the game and the series. That's all I'll say there. But I will add this. It did not take away from a fantastic year for the Pistons. A few adjustments here and there, and they'll have a great shot to win the NBA Championship next year.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: OK Go "Do What You Want"

One Night Stand card & picks

-World Wrestling Entertainment Championship Falls Count Anywhere Match: John Cena (Champion) vs. The Great Khali

-World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match: Edge (Champion) vs. Batista

-World Tag Team Championship Ladder Match: The Hardys (Champions) vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team

-ECW World Championship Street Fight: Mr. McMahon (Champion) vs. Bobby Lashley

-Non-Title Pudding Match: Melina vs. Candice Michelle

-Stretcher Match: "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam

-6-Man Tag Team Tables Match: CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, and The Sandman vs. Elijah Burke. "The Alpha Male" Marcus Cor Von, and Matt Striker

-Lumberjack Match: "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry vs. Kane

So I'm up to 88-76. Let's shoot that record to a new high, lucky 13 wins over .500. I'll take John Cena; Edge; Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy; Bobby Lashley; Melina; Randy Orton; CM Punk, Sandman, & Tommy Dreamer; and Kane. Here goes nothing.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Lloyd "Get It Shawty"

WARNING: Bigotry at its worst

I just want to warn everybody about this. We may not all agree on things, but when everybody from Bill O'Reilly to Michael Moore is protesting against you, you're not exactly popular. I've decided that we declare war on the Westboro "Baptist Church." Their ideas to celebrate every tragedy as a sign of America being hated by God makes me vomit. Not only that, but Canada and Sweden are also in their crosshairs. Why? Because we support gays. Now, I have no clue what connection can be drawn between the Sago mine disaster and homosexuals. Hell, I have basically no clue what they are talking about, since their rhetoric is gibberish with the word "fag" used every other sentence. It is purely sickening. I think it's time we step up. One of their most disgusting acts is to picket military funerals. Fortunatley for those who wish to see these inbred freaks off the face of the Earth, their website, and I apologize for this, www.godhatesfags.com, list their upcoming protests. Do us all a favor, guys. If these asswipes come to your area, give them a hard right fist in the nose for me.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Katharine McPhee "Over It"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Knocked Up"

Welcome back one and all to the 313 Second Movie Review. As a proud member of CSSA, there is only two words that truly horrify me. "I'm pregnant." True enough, that's what made me carefully interested in the movie "Knocked Up." The film stars Seth Rogen as Ben Stone, Katherine Heigl as Alison Scott, Paul Rudd as Pete, Leslie Mann as Debbie, Jay Baruchel as Jay, Jonah Hill as Jonah, Jason Segel as Jason, and Martin Starr as Martin. As you can quite easily imagine, we have two very distinctive main characters. First, you got Ben, a stoner slacker who's idea of making cash with his roommates is to launch a porn site. Wow, this is the story of Brandon Mars! One the other end, you got Alison, an assistant producer at the E! Entertainment Network. Oh, scratch that, she just got promoted to on-air talent! Wahoo! Alison and her sister Debbie go out for a good time at a club. So do Ben and his buddies, Jay, Jonah, Jason, and Martin. Alison and Ben meet up. They both get waaaay too tipsy for their own good. They undress (Ben: You're way prettier than I am). They have sex. Morning comes. They seperate. End? *buzz* In a matter of of weeks, Alison learns she been *dramatic pause* *dramatic pause* KNOCKED UP! For the sake of the baby, they decide to stick together. But as Alison sees Ben's friends, and Ben sees how Debbie almost has Pete wrapped around her finger, they start to fear this whole stay with the baby thing. Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say this will be the most quoated movie of the year. "You better have flushed your pubs down the toilet. "I took a s**t there a while back, and when I looked down, my s**t looked like a stuffed animal." Sorry if I just blinded you. But this movie is full of "I can't believe they just said that" moments. But the best part is is that this movie doesn't fake it. An out-of-wedlock child can be difficult to prepare for, and it takes much emotional stress. Not to mention the birth was not fake, so be prepared for health class all over again. Overall, I think this will be the sleeper hit of 2007. Oh, Katherine, may I please cover the ground to my bedroom with rose petals over which your gorgeous legs will walk?

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Mastodon "Colony Of Birchmen"

Oh no!

Please tell me we are not witnessing the second coming of Michael Jordan. The Cavaliers beat the Pistons Thursday night in double overtime. That means the series shifts from Auburn Hills to The Q with the Pistons in a 3-2 hole. Why do I suddenly feel there's blood in my stool? Please, Tayshaun, knock LeBron out of the game.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: The Fratellis "Flathead"