The 313 Second Movie Review: "Blades of Glory"

Poor Butch, not realizing K Bell is a Red Wings fan. Oops, sorry. Welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. Today, I'll be telling you the story of "Blades of Glory." The film stars Will Ferrell as Chazz Michael Michaels, Jon Heder as Jimmy MacElroy, Will Arnett as Stranz Van Waldenberg, Amy Poehler as Fairchild Van Waldenberg, and Jenna Fischer as Katie Van Waldenberg. This film is a really good parody of figure skating, even tossing in cameos from Sasha Cohen, Scott Hamilton, Peggy Fleming, Brian Boitano, Dorothy Hamill, and Nancy Kerrigan. Man, I feel odd knowing who those people are. Anyways, the film begins will a young Jimmy MacElroy being picked up from an orphanage to be adopted by a athetically-scientific obsessed father. MacElroy (God, I'm going to feel so fruity for say this) skates with unmatched beauty and grace, while Michaels, a boozed-up sex hound, drives the ladies crazy on the ice. Of course, being played by Ferrell, he's none too bright. MacElroy and Michaels wind up sharing a gold medal, but their egos get the best of them and they brawl on the podium, subsequently lighting the mascot on fire. As a result, the head figure skating body bars them from competing in men's singles skating again. Things sink low three and a half years later with MacElroy working in a skate shop and Michaels performing in a lame children's ice show. Their paths cross in fate as MacElroy discovered a loophole saying he could compete in pairs skating and runs into Michaels backstage at the show, and MacElroy's former coach notices the two performing ice skating moves together in a fight (Thank you, TiVo). After bailing the spandex sporting duo out, the coach signs them up as a team. The sudden stardom is too much for the jealous Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg to take, and they use their easily manipulated sister, Katie, to spy on them as they train in on the frozen floor of a fish warehouse. Of course, in an odd twist of events, Kate and Jimmy fall for each other. As Jimmy and Chazz collect popularity along the way, they rise to the top, but they must get past personal issues and death-defying moves to get there. Of course, this movie isn't exactly Oscar material, but that's what makes it so much fun. "Blades of Glory" never takes itself seriously and has a great time poking fun at figure skating. Of course, the backstage sabatoging is all real (Kerrigan knows that first hand, thank you very much, Tanya Harding), but I'm sure it never reaches the extreme levels this movie reaches. As for Ferrell and Heder, they are the complete opposite of each other, making their Fire and Ice routine so good and fun to watch. Arnett and Poehler really seem quite manipulative and deserve joint nominations at the MTV Movie Awards for Best Villian. The characters just balance each other out so well, and the comedy that comes in this movie shows exactly why Ferrell and Co. never cease to make you laugh. Trust me, you guys need to go out and enjoy a movie that doesn't require much thinking, this one's for you. It's a good thing. A real good thing.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Ludacris "Money Maker"

Oh, Butch, before I go...

There's something you should know. You said in my Todd Bertuzzi post, "What is an NHL fan?" Well, I do see what you mean. Tragically, not a lot of people watch the NHL. But you, of all people should know what an NHL fan looks like when you you look at them. You've met one up close an personal who once wanted to marry Red Wings goalie Chris Osgood. Maybe she'll look familiar. I thought she would. That, Mr. Rosser, is an NHL fan.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Red Hot Chili Peppers "Tell Me Baby"

An update for the future

Great news everybody. Next week, my parents and my sister are out of the house and spending spring break (her's) in Florida. You what that means? Aside form finally making headway on "I'll Be There For You Part II," it also means I'll be able to do more blogging. So, beginning the first full day of freedom, I'll be updating my life and the good and bad stuff in it. I'll even toss in a 313 Second Movie Review on "Grindhouse" (FYI, tomorrow, I'm doing a 313 Second Movie Review for "Blades of Glory," so keep an eye out for that). Just wanted to let you guys know what you can expect from me. I'll be back tomorrow.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Sean Paul "(When You Gonna) Give It Up To Me"

Todd Bertuzzi: Hero or Villian?

In case you don't know who I'm talking about, I referring to the Red Wings' trade deadline acquistion. If you don't remember, when he was a member of the Vancouver Canucks, he barrled into the Colorado Avalnche's Steve Moore from behind with the shaft of his stick, breaking Moore's neck. I think personally, Bertuzzi was doing the NHL a favor. Nobody likes the Avalanche, so why not? OK, I'm not serious, I'd never wish Steve Moore any ill will. But Bertuzzi has paid his debt the NHL with a lengthy suspension and to society with the criminal charges. But the Tood Bertuzzi is known for doing dirty defensive work. He's known for plowing players down mid-ice and aggressively crashing the net, occassionally taking a goalie down. That's hockey for you guys. Bertuzzi simply plays the game like a gritty veteran, and as long as he isn't intentionally hurting people any more, why continue having a witch hunt against the guy? Just no need to do so, NHL fans.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Ne-Yo "Sexy Love"

Great medical news update

My dad's eye surgery was a success. His glasses are gone. The only thing is that for the time being, he needs to wear this eye mask. Yes, we're already calling him Richard Hamilton, bringing on the mask jokes. However, my mom screwed up and called him Tayshaun Prince. Wrong Piston, Mom! Anyways, the first six hours, I felt like an eye dog. I was guiding him around because his eyes had to bandaged up. Sometimes, giving a person without vision directions is not as easy as it sounds. His eyes were doing a lot better. His vision without glasses as improved to 20-15, which is considered excellent vision. Funny thing is, my dad's co-workers at AT&T were already having a field day with this and posted an eye chart on his office wall. "No, Mike, you can't start your statement until you read me the third line." Gotta love office jokes.

I know the object mentioned in this song is now in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, but this one's for you, Victor.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Fergie "London Bridge"

Gonna be gone from blogging for a little while

My dad recently got surgery to fix his vision. He's been wearing glass since he was in the sixth grade, so he finally got his eyesight repaired. I'm going to be taking care of the house until at least Thursday or when everything is 100%. See you all soon.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Justin Timberlake "SexyBack"

Confessions of a "Law & Order" geek

As many of my closer friends know, I'm a HUGE "Law & Order" fan. "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" and "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" also wet my appatite, but I'll confess to you my deepest secrets as a fan of the series.

Something that will get me killed by the idiot box faithful, my second favorite ADA on the original was Elisabeth Rohm. I know, go ahead, boo and hiss all you want. I just thought she had a certain determination in her character that made her stand out.

Of course, my all time favorite is Angie Harmon. Her intelligence and near-impentrible emotions made her seem like quite the show badass. Of course, those business suits did her body no justice. For proof, go look for screencaps from "Lawn Dogs" (and if you feel really dirty, there's an eleven year-old Mischa Barton before she became an American citizen). Oh yeah, and she's Michigan Wolverine royality (descended from U-M's first Heisman Trophy winner, Tom Harmon).

Two things about Jack McCoy that I (heart). One: "Hang 'Em High McCoy. Bust the bad guy any way possible. Two: Even at his age, he's a kid at heart. He dates considerably younger woman (including fellow ADA's), rides a Yamaha motorcycle and listens to The Clash. And people say scotch-drinking lawyers aren't funny.

I miss Lenny Briscoe's one-liners. In all actuality, I think Ed Green picked up a few pointers from his partner, but you could never replace Jerry Orbach's sense of humor.

Is it just me, or do Benson and Stabler make the best duo on the "L&O" franchise? To see those two bust a few pedophile's asses every week brings a smile to my face.

If they do leave the show, it'd be a long-shot, but maybe, just maybe, Munch and Stabler could give those a run for their money. Come on, a flaming liberal and an African-American Republican (hard to believe I'm saying that about Ice-T). What's not to like?

The reason they brought Eames on "CI?" Probably to keep the viewers from going crazy from watching Goarn's antics. Still, as polar opposites as they may be, Kathryn Erbe and Vincent D'Onofrio make a nearly unstoppable force. Now if they can catch that pesky Nicole Wallace.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Jessica Simpson "A Public Affair"

Bracketology 101

Welcome to Bracketology 101. I am your professor, Tom Barry. Now, we all know everyone has an NCAA bracket. Those who say they don't are lying or telling the truth, but I think there might be a lot of people in secret office pools. Anyways, here's what I got going for my bracket. I'll break it down round by round.

Play-In Game
Niagara over Florida A&M

Starting 64
Florida over Jackson St
Purdue upsets Arizona
Butler over Old Dominion
Maryland over Davidson
Notre Dame over Winthrop
Oregon over Miami OH
UNLV over Georgia Tech
Wisconsin over Texas A&M-CC
Kansas over Niagara
Villanova upsets Kentucky
Virginia Tech over Illinois
S. Illinois over Holy Cross
Duke over VCU
Pitt over Wright State
Gonzaga upsets Indiana
UCLA over Weber State
North Carolina over E. Kentucky
Marquette over Michigan St.
USC over Arkansas
Texas over New Mexico State
George Washington upsets Vanderbilt
Oral Roberts upsets Washington State
Texas Tech upsets Boston College
Georgetown over Belmont
Ohio State over Central Conn. St.
Xavier upsets BYU
Tennessee over Long Beach St.
Virginia over Albany
Louisville over Stanford
Texas A&M over Penn
Creighton upsets Nevada
Memphis over North Texas

Onward 32
Florida over Purdue
Maryland over Butler
Notre Dame upsets Oregon
UNLV upsets Wisconsin
Kansas over Villanova
Virginia Tech upsets S. Illinois
Pitt over Duke
UCLA over Gonzaga
North Carolina over Marquette
Texas over USC
Oral Roberts upsets George Washington
Georgetown over Texas Tech
Ohio State over Xavier
Tennessee upsets Virginia
Texas A&M over Louisville
Memphis over Creighton

Sweet 16
Florida over Maryland
Notre Dame over UNLV
Kansas over Virginia Tech
UCLA over Pitt
Texas upsets North Carolina
Georgetown over Oral Roberts
Ohio State over Tennessee
Texas A&M upsets Memphis

Elite 8
Florida over Notre Dame
UCLA upsets Kansas
Texas upsets Georgetown
Ohio State over Texas A&M

Final Four
UCLA upsets Florida
Ohio State over Texas

NCAA Championship
UCLA upsets Ohio State

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Pearl Jam "Life Wasted"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "300"

So I was wondering to myself, "How can you top an extraordinary film that just so happens to be David Fincher's first serial killer movie since 'Se7en'?" Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, "300." Not to take away from "Zodiac," but this movie was more than I expected it to be. The film stars Gerard Butler as King Leonidas, Lena Headey as Queen Gorgo, David Wenham as Dilios, Dominic West as Theron, Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes, and Andrew Tiernan as Ephialtes. I had a feeling this movie would kick ass because it was a true story with a screenplay based off Frank Miller's graphic novel about the story. Man, was I wrong. It boned ass and came without pulling out. Sorry if that last sentence didn't make sense. Anyways, if you remember history, Sparta was not the place to be as a child, being raised to fight for your country and tested from birth and being able to join the military at seven. Makes me glad I was playing Power Rangers action figures at seven. That's your prologue to the movie. The story itself is intense. Think back to your history classes, guys. This movie takes us to the Battle of Thermopylae. The signifacnce of this battle was the great odds. Three hundred Spartan soldiers going against Xerxes' might Persian army, numbering 1,000,000. Going to be a cake walk for the Persians? Not so fast. Leonidas' army fought hard and strong throughout, going down to the final man. Their sacrifice not only brought pride to Sparta, but united the entire Greek penninsula to fight against the seemingly-unstoppable Persian army. Now if you're easily sickened, my best advice is stay clear of this movie. "300" features multiple impalements, stabbings and severed limbs, in addition to three clearly-seen decapitations. The effects were so amazing. The way the movie was filmed made feel like I was stepping into the drawings of Frank Miller. Not to mention, I find ironic that the Persians came from present-day Iran, because they had some fighters on their side who looked like mutations from nuclear waste. LOL. The plot was phenominal, and the subplots of betrayal, government corruption, and defiance of tradition made it more compelling. If anything else, see it for the cliff scene that's depicted on the poster. Smart military strategy there from the Spartans. Oh, and Lena Heady looks absolutley smoking. Definitley the type of woman I'd screw and make breakfast for the next morning. Overall, "300," though not the best movie for the faint-of-heart, is a riveting tale of the first true underdog story in history. My recommendation is probably going to fall on deaf ears, but those yahoos at the Oscars really need to take a close look at "300" for next year's nominees for Best Picture.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Busta Rhymes "I Love My Chick"

Can we at least get along on this?

If there's one thing, ONE THING, that makes me go nuts, it's child sexual predators. As a family member of not one, but two, children who have been sexually abused by that punk-ass uncle of mine, I really recommend you guys follow the following link. http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200702/tows_past_20070221_letsen.jhtml This will allow you to write your representative in the House, your Senators and your state governors and tell them just how important it is to prevent the children of our nation from having their innocence taken away from them. Even if you wouldn't vote for your serving politicans, do the right thing and tell them that child molesters need to be locked away. It's not an issue of Republicans vs. Democrats. It's an issue of good vs. evil to me and quite frankly, I'm not one to let evil win. Maybe the words of Bill O'Reilly will make you agree with me (I know that's hard for most of you to imagine, but trust me, you'll listen). Every child molester needs to be sentenced to life prison without the chance of parole. It doesn't get much simplier than that.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Cassie "Me & U"

Today, we bury "30 Rock"

No, I'm not saying that because Tiny Fey has gotten pregnant again, nor because Alec Baldwin has opened his mouth about something he doesn't know about (politics). I think Tracy Morgan is becoming more unstable than anybody working for NASA or Kurt Angle. Proof? I got your proof. http://www.ifilm.com/video/2829633/collection/248/channel/viralvideo Kids, this why alcohol is bad for you. You'll wind up looking like an ass on the Internet. Props to the interviewer for being as professional as possible. Personally, I think if that was Borat, he'd probably wind up acting the same way as he did in this video. Now, NBC has to be shaking their head about this. If Tracy Morgan goes on TV and embarasses everybody like that, "30 Rock" could be screwed because of its star players is acting like a lunatic and might not be wanted after that. I don't know if the Tracy is being reprimended for that, but if he keeps that up, "30 Rock" will go the way of "The Tracy Morgan Show." And that is not a good way.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Beyonce "Deja Vu"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Zodiac"

Welcome to the first ever edition of The 313 Second Movie Review. This is going to become a semi-regular update with this blog, coming with each kick-ass movie I see. I'm plan on starting off with "Zodiac." The stars of the movie include Jake Gyllenhaal as Robert Graysmith, Mark Ruffalo as Inspector David Toschi, Anthony Edwards as Inspector William Armstrong, Robert Downey, Jr. as Paul Avery, Brian Cox as Melvin Belli, Chloe Sevigny as Melanie, Elias Koteas as Sgt. Jack Mulanax, Donal Logue as Ken Narlow, John Carroll Lynch as Arthur Leigh Allen, and Dermot Mulroney as Captain Marty Lee. The story of "Zodiac" are based the experiences of Graysmith, a former cartoonist from the San Francisco Chronicle. When the Zodiac Killer started terrorizing the San Francisco Bay area, he communicated to various northern California newspapers. Graysmith sees the first message, which includes a cyrptic code of symbols. As more murders pile up, Graysmith finds himself becoming obsessed with the way the Zodiac Killer's mind works. He goes to work with Toschi, Armstrong, Avery, and Belli in the hunt for the elusive killer. However, as the film progresses, it becomes apparent Graysmith is only thinking about the killer. It gets into his personal life. This is a mission where he plans to hunt the serial killer, and won't stop until he finds the man and looks him in the eye. Now, the script is perfect for Gyllenhaal, whose obsession with the Zodiac Killer is nailed perfectly. He has shined like he has in so many other movies. The movies not all horror scares. It has its share of laughs, albeit, the right amount and at the right times. Wait until you guys see what happens when Gyllenhall offers Downey a blue alcoholic drink with an orange twist and a tiny paper umbrella. However, the movie is an incredible tale with stories of the Zodiac that even shocked myself. The callousness and disregard for human life shown by the Zodiac Killer is eerie and spine tingling. If you go see this, be prepared to shutter at certain parts.

By the way, the Zodiac Killer case was deactivated by the San Francisco Police Department. However, the authorities in Napa, Riverside, and Vallejo, California still have the case open and any information anybody has should be reported to them.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Ashlee Simpson "Invisible"