The 313 Second Movie Review: "The Simpsons Movie"

Welcome to Springfield! Actually, welcome to the 313 Second Movie Review! And just in case your TV IQ is so low that you have to ask, "Where's Springfield," I suggest you leave now. Today, I will be looking at "The Simpsons Movie." Now, everybody bare with me, the main cast played multiple characters, so this will take a while to type. The film stars Dan Castellaneta as Homer Simpson, Itchy, Barney, Grampa, Stage Manager, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, Mayor's Aide, Multi-Eyed Squirrel, Panicky Man, Sideshow Mel, Mr. Teeny, EPA Official, Kissing Cop #1, Bear, Boy on Phone, NSA Worker, Officer, Santa's Little Helper, and Squeaky-Voiced Teen; Julie Kavner as Marge Simpson; Nancy Cartwright as Bart Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Ralph, Nelson, Todd Flanders, TV Daughter, and Woman on Phone; Yeardley Smith as Lisa Simpson; Hank Azaria as Professor Frink, Comic Book Guy, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Lou, Carl, Cletus, Bumblebee Man, Male EPA Worker, Dome Depot Announcer, Kissing Cop #2, Carnival Barker, Counter Man, Apu, Drederick Tatum, Sea Captain, EPA Passenger, Robot, and Dr. Nick; Harry Shearer as Scratchy, Mr. Burns, Rev. Lovejoy, Ned Flanders, Lenny, Skull, President Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner, Dr. Hibbert, Toll Booth Man, Smithers, Guard, Otto, and Kang; Tress MacNeille as Sweet Old Lady, Colin, Mrs. Skinner, Nelson's Mother, Pig, Cat Lady, Female EPA Workers, G.P.S. Woman, Cookie Kwan, Lindsey Naegle, TV Son, Medicine Woman, and Girl on Phone; Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten and Rod Flanders; and Albert Brooks as Russ Cargill. *pant, pant* PEPSI, PLEASE! OK, that was way too long. Let's go into the plot. The whole thing really starts swinging when Grampa has an episode in church and starts speaking in tongues. Marge gets wrapped up in trying to figure out what he meant, thinking it was some sort of prophecy. Meanwhile, Lisa tries to find what has caused some much carnage to Lake Springfield. She finds out that it's all sorts of various dumping methods, and is successful in cleaning it up. However, Homer is once again oblivious to the main concerns of his family and takes in a pig that Krusty would have otherwise turned into an instant heart attack between two buns. As the pig becomes a part of the family's life, that leaves Bart feeling rejected, and he starts to turn to Ned Flanders as a father figure and starts putting it out there he wants to be adopted. Of course, who else but Homer can manage to screw things up? Grampa and Marge's investigations and Lisa's lake-cleaning efforts combine together as Homer dumps a cilo of pig droppings into the lake, turning it into an even greater environmental nightmare than before. So, EPA chief Russ Cargill drops options in front of President Arnold Schwarzenegger (how the hell did he skirt the Constitution) that could mean life or death for the people of Springfield. This is what I expected out this movie. It was more or less a 90 minutes episode, and I don't think I'd want it any other way. Anything else might turn this to some mediocre, contrived waste of screen time. Instead, they stick to their guns. They continue to mock corruption in government and business, make fun of religion, and parody society's hypocritical practices. Plus, it once again leaves us with more laughing at pointless events than before. One thing I did notice is that "The Simpsons Movie" starts out a lot differently than "The Simpsons" TV show. I'm not talking about the famous opening sequence (though that is changed, with no sax solo or couch gag, but we do get Bart writing, "I WILL NOT ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD THIS MOVIE," on the chalkboard). Instead of the usual beginnings that fade away as the main plot unfolds, the plot begins right away with the first frame. There's not much to argue against this movie. Go on, be a sucker! See the movie! I'm a sucker, and I'm damn proud of it!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Hairspray"

Good morning, Baltimore! And everybody who doesn't live in Charm City. This is the latest edition of the 313 Second Movie Review. Today, I'll be looking at "Hairspray." The film stars John Travolta as Edna Turnblad, Michelle Pfeiffer as Velma Von Tussle, Christopher Walken as Wilbur Turnblad, Amanda Bynes as Penny Pingleton, James Marsden as Corny Collins, Queen Latifah as Motormouth Maybelle, Brittany Snow as Amber Von Tussle, Zac Efron as Link Larkin, Elijah Kelley as Seaweed, Allison Janney as Prudy Pingleton, and Nikki Blonsky as Tracy Turnblad. OK, call me out on seeing a musical if you want, but don't tell me you haven't seen one (yes, some animated Disney movies count)! Our hero to this story is the perky and plump Tracy, a girl living in 1962 Baltimore, as the city's segregation becomes a rallying point for this white girl. She's a girl who has quite the spirit to her, and also loves rock 'n' roll, dancing, and making a change. Her agrophobic mother, Edna, does in-home laundry service while her father, Wilbur, brings home the bread with the joke shop he owns next door to their home. Relax, the only time you see Christopher and John in a kiss is when he pecks he/she on the cheek. Tracy loves rushing home with her friend Penny to watch "The Corny Collins Show," and they both dance to the screen, mimicking the moves of Link (who makes the ladies' hearts go a-flutter) and his it's-all-about-me girlfriend, Amber. Unfortunatley, this is happens to be an all-white dance party, with the cooler, more talented African-American kids appearing once a month for Negro Day, hosted by record store owner Maybelle (Once a month?! Thak goodness we live in 2007!). One day in detention (and FYI, Tracy was the only white person there, surprise, surprise. Thank goodness for the change in times), Tracy learns some dance moves from the ultra-talented Seaweed. When she shows those moves to Link and Corny, she becomes a city wide sensation. This pisses off the show's producer, Velma, to no end, and for two reasons. One, her daughter is Amber. Two, she's a card-carrying racist. (By the way, reason number three: "That Detroit sound, Corny?! Do you want people to feel like they're being mugged?" I really wanted to claw her eyes out for that.) So to get back, she cancels Negro Day and thratens to bring down Tracy's career and family. Well, I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. This movie had me moving and laughing at the same time at some parts. In addition, I can hear the sound of change still resounding today, which makes this movie even more smarter. The one downgrade is that Travolta, while he was funny, did take the role of Edna too seriously, especially since she's suppossed to be presented as an obvious drag queen. Still doesn't take away from his greatness, though. And one other thing, Nikki Blonsky is, in my opinion, on her way for big things. She had no previous acting expierence (while a majority of the cast have done singing and dancing on the big screen before), but she was fantastic. Her performance as Tracy was one of the best surprises of the year. I hope to see more of her in the future. She's destined to greatness. And there's just one way phrase I can use to sum up this movie. You can't stop the beat.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony "I Tried"

Strike a Heisman pose!

*poses* Five bucks to the one who looks the most like Desmond Howard in 1991. Now, as college football season begins, I'll be giving the top games to decide a team's season. But before I do, I got a couple things. First, if one game registers as the one people will look at for the intangibles, it would be on September 8, Virginia Tech at LSU. Those two will compete in a great game, and both have legitimate arguments to win the national championship. But what I think people will take notice is these are two schools that have suffered through terrible disasters lately. LSU was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina, and Virginia Tech lost 32 innocent students (and one raving lunatic) in the massacre on April 16. I wouldn't be surprised that both schools will be playing with a lot of heart that afternoon. Second, I selected 17 teams that should be the top contenders for the national championship, two of whom are outside the BCS conferences. Those teams are Boise State, California, Florida, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Hawaii, Louisville, LSU, Michigan, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Rutgers, Texas, USC, Virginia Tech, West Virginia, and Wisconsin. Now, the games that will make or break a team's season.

August 30
Miami (OH) at Ball State

August 31
Washington at Syracuse

September 1
Arizona at BYU
Army vs. Akron
Central Michigan at Kansas
Colorado State vs. Colorado
Connecticut at Duke
Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic
Tennessee at California
UCF at North Carolina State
Virginia at Wyoming
Wake Forest at Boston College

September 8
Buffalo at Temple
Indiana at Western Michigan
Memphis at Arkansas State
North Carolina at East Carolina
Ohio at UL Lafayette
Rice at Baylor
Virginia Tech at LSU

September 15
Arkansas at Alabama
Pittsburgh at Michigan State
Virginia at North Carolina

September 20
Texas A&M at Miami

September 22
Clemson at North Carolina State
Georgia at Alabama
Illinois at Indiana
Iowa State at Toledo
Kentucky at Arkansas

September 27
Southern Miss at Boise State

September 29
Alabama vs. Florida State
Kent State at Ohio
Notre Dame at Purdue
Pittsburgh at Virginia
Syracuse at Miami (OH)
UCLA at Oregon State
UNLV at Nevada
Western Michigan at Toledo

October 6
Florida at LSU
Fresno State at Nevada
Georgia at Tennessee
North Texas at UL Lafayette
Northwestern at Michigan State
Oklahoma vs. Texas
Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Tulane at Army

October 10
Navy at Pittsburgh

October 11
Florida State at Wake Forest

October 13
Air Force at Colorado State
Auburn at Arkansas
Boston College at Notre Dame
Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
East Carolina at UTEP
Georgia Tech at Miami
Indiana at Michigan State
Middle Tennessee at Memphis
Minnesota at Northwestern
New Mexico at Wyoming
New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
Tulane at UAB
UL Monroe at North Texas

October 20
Arkansas State at Middle Tennessee
California at UCLA
Central Michigan at Clemson
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Florida Atlantic at UL Lafayette
Iowa at Purdue
Kansas at Colorado
Miami at Florida State
San Jose State at Fresno State
Tennessee at Alabama
Texas A&M at Nebraska
Tulsa at UCF
Virginia at Maryland

October 27
Clemson at Maryland
Florida vs. Georgia
Louisana Tech at Utah State
Ohio at Bowling Green
Ohio State at Penn State
Troy at Arkansas State
UL Monroe at Florida Atlantic
Virginia at North Carolina State
West Virginia at Rutgers

October 28
UCF at Southern Miss

November 1
Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech

November 2
Akron at Bowling Green

November 3
East Carolina at Memphis
Florida State at Boston College
Illinois at Minnesota
Louisana Tech at Idaho
Marshall at UCF
Oregon at Arizona State
South Carolina at Arkansas
UTEP at Rice
Washington at Stanford
Wisconsin at Ohio State

November 6
Central Michigan at Western Michigan

November 8
Louisville at West Virginia
TCU at BYU

November 10
Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic
Auburn at Georgia
Colorado at Iowa State
Houston at Tulsa
Indiana at Northwestern
Kentucky at Vanderbilt
Michigan at Wisconsin
San Diego State at UNLV
USC at California
UTEP at Tulane
Wake Forest at Clemson

November 13
Toledo at Ball State

November 14
Akron at Miami (OH)

November 15
Oregon at Arizona

November 17
Northwestern at Illinois
Ohio State at Michigan
Syracuse at Connecticut
UCF at SMU

November 23
Boise State at Hawaii
Ole Miss at Mississippi State
Wyoming at Colorado State

November 24
Alabama at Auburn
Ball State at Northern Illinois
Duke at North Carolina
Georgia at Georgia Tech
Miami at Boston College
UL Monroe at UL Lafayette
Utah State at Idaho
Wake Forest at Vanderbilt
Washington State at Washington

November 29
Rutgers at Louisville

December 1
Arizona at Arizona State
Oregon State at Oregon

And as it is with every other season, Let's Go Blue!

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Rihanna "Umbrella"

How typical...

I made my the right call. The Westboro Baptist Church wasn't in Shelby Township today. Mercifully, that means two things. One, I didn't waste more than 80 miles in gas money today. Two, and most importantly, Pfc. Kube was laid to rest peacefully and without incident. Thank goodness for cell phones and the ability to look up the church's number. Otherwise, I think I'd be contributing much more to the oil crisis.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Daughtry "Home"

Great American Bash results

Giggity, giggity, giggity! Did Candice and Melina look hot last night or what? Oh, well, as far as my picks for the Great American Bash went, I started off slow again, but I took the remaining matches. This time, I went 7-2. John Cena, The Great Khali, John Morrison, Umaga, Candice, Randy Orton, and Carlito, you guys ruled. Matt Hardy and Chavo Guerrero, move, bitches, get out of my way! Seriously, when I saw Hornswaggle hit that frog splash, I was adamant he wasn't going to win. Oh well, can't take them all, right? In any event, I'm now 105-85 all-time with WWE PPV's. And as far as the Match of the Night is concerned, could you think of anything other than Bobby Lashley vs. John Cena? I mean, seriously, that is one that should be shared with WWE fans for generations to come.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Pretty Ricky "(I Wanna See You) Push It Baby"

313's Heroes and Goats

313's Heroes and Goats from the final round of The Open Championship

The Hero: Padraig Harrington. Joey's second cousin almost saw his career go up in a plume of Van de Velde on No. 18, but he took advantage of his second chance and breezed to his first major championship in the four-hole playoff at Carnoustie.
The Goat: Sergio Garcia. Just hold you three-stroke lead on Sunday. Just make a 10-foot putt. The best player to never win a major could have shed that nickname by doing any number of basic things on Sunday, but, in the end, he blew it again.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: T-Pain "Buy You A Drank (Shawty Snappin')"

Great American Bash card and picks

- World Wrestling Entertainment Championship: John Cena (Champion) vs. Bobby Lashley

- World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match: The Great Khali (Champion) vs. Batista vs. Kane

- ECW World Championship: John Morrison (Champion) vs. CM Punk

- Intercontinental Championship: Umaga (Champion) vs. Jeff Hardy

- World Wrestling Entertainment United States Championship: MVP (Champion) vs. Matt Hardy

- Women's Championship: Candice Michelle (Champion) vs. Melina

- World Wrestling Entertainment Cruiserweight Championship Open: Chavo Guerrero (Champion) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble vs. Funaki

- Texas Bullrope Match: "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes vs. "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton

- Singapore Cane on a Pole Match: The Sandman vs. Carlito

So I have the opportunity to grab my 100th correct pick. You think I'm going to let the opportunity slide? Hell, no! At 98-83, I'd perfer to take advantage of the opportunity. Therefore, I select John Cena, The Great Khali, John Morrison, Umaga, Matt Hardy, Candice, Chavo Guerrero, Randy Orton, and Carlito as the winners.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend"

313's Heroes and Goats

313's Heroes and Goats from the third round of The Open Championship

The Hero: Steve Stricker. The American made Carnoustie look more like Warwick Hills on Saturday, shooting a seven-under 64, the best round of the tournament so far. Stricker birdied the first three holes and five of the first seven on his way to a bogey-free, seven-birdie round that left him three shots off the lead.
The Goat: K.J. Choi. On a day that seemed ripe for low numbers, the South Korean began play just two shots behind the leader, his playing partner Sergio Garcia. After an early birdie on No. 2, Choi was able to net only one more birdie against three bogeys for a one-over 72 and fell six shots behind. And for the third straight day, Choi bogeyed No. 18.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Huey "Pop, Lock & Drop It"

Probably won't make this one

Let's see, Monday morning, drive 40 miles or so to Shelby Township, and realize the possibilty that those delusional freaks from the Westboro Baptist Church may not show? I'm sorry, but unless you know how bad I-696 and I-75 are in this area during rush hour, it's just not worth it. Don't get me wrong, I want to chew Fred, Shirley, and their so-called church up and spit them out. Trouble is, with gas prices so high, and the morning commute being as aweful as you can imagine, I just can't do it. But trust me on this. Army Pfc. Christopher D. Kube was a braver man than any of those 100 or so idiots, and I do wish his family and friends all my condolenses in such a tragic moment. Killed by an IED in Baghdad, Kube could definitley be considered a hero for doing what was right by stating how he felt in his own way, in this case, defending America. Thank you, Christopher, and I hope those rats don't give you a hard time Monday. *salutes*

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Ne-Yo "Because Of You"

313's Heroes and Goats

Well, Victoria says I'm doing a little too much of this on C-S-S-A, so I thought I'd bring it here, where she can't touch me.

313's Heroes and Goats from the second round of The Open Championship

The Hero: Mike Weir. Sarnia's favorite golfer had the best round of the day, a 68 that moved him all the way from a tie for 25th to a tie for third.
The Goat: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson needed par on the 18th hole to avoid missing the cut for his second straight major. Instead, he sent the ball into the Barry Burn and finished the hole with a double bogey and a six-over 77 for the day. "I think my next tournament doesn't have a cut, so that will be nice," Mickelson said.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Baby Boy Da Prince "The Way I Live"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. In a vain effort to take my mind of WBC hunting (A PERFORMANCE OF "THE LARAMIE PROJECT" AND 5 MILITARY FUNERALS?! DAMMIT!), I'd thought I'd something a little more happy and fun. Of course, it really depends on whether or not you're one of those nuts who thinks reading books about witchcraft and wizardry is a damnable sin. Yeah, that right. The British/American movie "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is my next choice for review. The film stars Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, Rupert Grint as Ron Weasley, Emma Watson as Hermione Granger, Ralph Fiennes as Lord Voldemort, Michael Gambon as Albus Dumbledore, Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, Alan Rickman as Severus Snape, and Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge. I trust you've all seen the previous "Harry Potter" films, so I see no need to hit rewind. Let's jump in. After the incident during the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry has a questionable aura floating over him at Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic has repeatedly rebutted Harry's claims that Voldemort is back and ready wreck havoc yet again. It gets so far that Harry and his cruel, fat, Muggle cousin, are attacked by Dementors, the ghostly guards of the high-security prison Azakban (think Guantanamo, only with magical terrorists and without the alleged torture). Harry is successful in protecting himself and his cousin, but his use of magic in front of a Muggle gets him sent to the Ministry of Magic to decide his fate. Of course, the Ministry is too paranoid, inept, and incompentant because they're really questioning the allegations that He-Who-Musn't-Be-Named has resurfaced. Dumbledore steps in and vouches for Harry's innocence. Mission accomplished. Well, now, it's off to Hogwarts, and time to forget about the Ministry. *BUZZ* Wrong answer! The Ministry puts on of its own, Dolres Umbridge, to teach the once again vacant position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Of course, this is to prevent any influence Dumbledore might use to show the students that Voldemort is back. So the Ministry forbids use of wands in DAtD classes and refrences schoolbooks (oh, yeah, like that will do any good). Umbridge's love of strict rule making and disdain for Harry is the last straw for The Boy Who Lived. He collects a group of students, including the jailbait-licious Hermione, his secret crush Cho, and oddball first year Luna Lovegood. Together, this large group of students forms the so-called Dumbledore's Army, a group dedicated to taking Hogwarts back from Umbridge, the snooping group of staff and Slytherins known as the Inquisitoral Squad, and the Ministry, in order to prepare for the inevitable showdown with Voldemort and his militia of Death Eaters. Well, I have to say, the "Harry Potter" series has yet to let me down, whether it be on paper or on film. Of course, there are some pitfalls. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix," which so far has been the longest book in the series at 870 pages, was condensed to a 129 minute motion picture, so of all the minor characters, only Sirius Black got major screen time, while they robbed the always-terrific Professor McGonagall of quality use. And don't get me started on the subplots that got cut, especially the Quidditch match. However, the acting was beyond excellent, the plot pieced together very well, and the effects were breath-taking. Trust me, you will not wnat to miss the battle at the Ministry of Magic. If anything, it's another excellent version of "Harry Potter" in cinema form. If you wanna get amped up for the final book that is to be released this weekend but don't want to look at the previous books until then, this is what you should see.

And now for reports of sequals. As you can imagine, a long time ago, Warner Bros. gave the greenlight for a sixth and seventh edition to be released, and that reamins true. "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" is scheduled to be released in 2008. "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" will wrap up the film franchise with a slated release in 2010.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Bow Wow "Outta My System"

WBC, come out to play!

Yo, Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roeper. You and your little cult owe me money. Here's the deal: I found a flyer on the WBC website saying they were coming to Waterford, which is just north of here, to protest at a military funeral. If you know me, I'm not going to let these assclowns from the Westboro Baptist Church come to our area and ruin a moment of mourning and rememberance. So, I drove out to Waterford and arrive at Our Lady of the Lakes Catholic Church and School, where the funeral was to take place. I knew the WBC hasn't going to be there, since Michigan law makes protesting within 500 feet of a funeral a crime. So I approached the Patroit Guard, a group of bikers (most of whom are veterans) who attend these events to serve in the ceremony and also serve as a buffer between the public and the WBC. I asked them where the WBC was going to be, and they said they hadn't recieved any information as to if they were coming. They said the WBC posts that they'll picket all the military funerals, but they rarely show up. Typical, a cult posing as a church, and they forget the Ninth Commandment, "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." Exodus 20:16. Still, I wouldn't have been shocked if they had showed up unnoticed and started breaking out their colorful "GOD HATES FAGS" signs. So I waited in my car. When the time came for the protest began, I started walking, looking across the street to see if they were around. I must have walked 2- 2 1/2 miles one way, all within the vacinity of Our Lady of the Lakes. Not one of those braindead zombies was present. So there's good news and bad news I can take from this. The bad news is I was unable to tell off those rat bastards, and according to Mapquest, going both ways, they now owe me 50.55 miles worth of gas money. The good news is that there was no violence, the family could bury their son in peace, and I got a good workout in. Still, I know the WBC will be in the Detroit area one day. When they do arrive, I'm going to treat them with the disrespect they deserve.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Army Pfc. Joseph A. Miracle, whose funeral was at Our Lady of the Lakes, an Ortonville native who was gunned down by enemy fire in Afghanistan. Rest in peace, Pfc. Miracle. You did more in your time in Afghainstan than so many people will ever do in their lifetime. *salutes*

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Secondhand Serenade "Vulernable"

Vengeance results

Well, to say the least, my Vengeance picks were pretty rocly to start, but in the end, I wound up finishing over .500 again. John Cena, Edge, Candice, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Deuce & Domino (I didn't change picks when I found out who they were up against), you guys rock. Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy, CM Punk (my pick didn't change here either, even though the opponent did), Umaga, and Jimmy Wang Yang, you guys suck. So I went 5-4 at Vengeance. I'm now at 98-83. Given I don't suffer some unforseen downfall come the Great American Bash, I'll hit 100 wins with the next PPV. As for Match of the Night, I've got two. The first was Batista vs. Edge. The second was Bobby Lashley vs. John Cena vs. King Booker vs. Mick Foley vs. Randy Orton.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: The Almost "Say This Sooner (No One Will Ever See Things The Way I Do)"

Wave it proudly

God bless America
Land that I love
Stand beside her
And guide her
Through the night
With a light
From above
From the mountains
To the prairies
To the oceans
White with foam
God bless America
My home sweet home
God bless America
My home sweet home

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Cold War Kids "Hang Me Up To Dry"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "License To Wed"

Ohhh, just one more for today. Welcome back again to the 313 Second Movie Review. This time, I'm looking at "License to Wed." The film stars Robin Williams as Reverend Frank, Mandy Moore as Sadie Jones, John Krasinski as Ben Murphy, Eric Christian Olsen as Carlisle, and DeRay Davis as Joel. Here we have Sadie and Ben, a near-perfect couple set to walk the aisle in 22 days. Wanting to follow the family's past marital ceremonies, Sadie wants to marry at her church, St. Augustine. Trouble is, the place is operated by Reverend Frank. Uh-oh! Robin Williams running wild! HIT THE DECK! Frank gives Sadie and Ben a series of excruciating tests that will show whether or not they are set for marriage. The first one seems innocent enough. You got Ben and Frank playing a game of catch, where Frank asks Ben why he wants to marry the sweet florist Sadie. As Ben answers, he literally takes his eye off the ball, and Frank almost breaks the poor sap's nose. From there, things go from bad to worse for Ben and Sadie. He doesn't just revert to ask intrusive questions. One scene shows Ben and Sadie ready to break one of Reverend Frank's rules: No sex until the honeymoon. CSSAer's, feel free to scream here. Little did Ben and Sadie know that Frank had been listening outside their apartment in a van courtesy of a bug placed in their lampshade. In rushes Reverend Frank, who starts discussing their sex life. Good thing their not 12-years old, eh? One of the better scenes is when Reverend Frank pressures Ben and his so-to-be in-laws into a one-word association game. Me personally, I think this is a smart movie for us when we're ready to take the plunge. Not everything in marriage is going to be like a beautiful, flower-filled, sunny meadow. Parts of it will be ugly and nasty, but you need to work and communicate to get through those. Also, it also shows how people need to discuss everything they want to do as a married couple. Kids, home, sex life, they all need to be talked about carefully. One thing I will add is that once again, Robin Williams is the funniest man on the screen. I believe Evil said it best when he said, "Robin Williams can make AIDS funny." Sure enough, he is, yet again, a laughing riot. And sweet, little Mandy Moore. She is at her cutest and best in this movie. She's been improving a lot since she made her film debut. Great actress working her way up the ladder. When you play second lead to Robin Williams, she is going places. If you need a good laugh, this movie is for you.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Christina Aguilera "Candyman"

The 313 Second Movie Review: "Transformers"

Movies, movies, movies! Can't get enough movies! Oh, what's up, gang? Welcome back to the 313 Second Movie Review. Today, we'll be looking into one of the most-looked-forward-to summer blockbusters to come out this year, "Transformers." The film stars Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky, Megan Fox as Mikaela Banes, Josh Duhamel as Sergeant Lennox, Tyrese Gibson as USAF Tech Sergeant Epps, Jon Voight as Defense Secretary John Keller, Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime, and Hugo Weaving as Megatron. Trust me, people, any preconceived notions you may have about Michael Bay will vanish after this movie. Of course, I didn't have any to start with because this guy thinks Michael Bay is a genius. *runs* Now, our hero of the film is Sam, a high school junior. His great-grandfather was considered one of the greatest Arctic explorers ever, but when he claimed to have found a giant ice man, all his credibility went down the pooper. His great-grandfather's work now seemingly worthless, Sam began selling some of his stuff on eBay as a way to pay for a new car. What he gets is a beat-up Chevrolet Camero, sold by the always-funny Bernie Mac. Sam tries to use the car to rescue his dreamgirl, Mikaela, from her Neaderthal boyfriend, and viola! He's a got a girlfriend. Too bad shortly after, he's on his mom's bike, chasing his stolen car. What he discovers though, is his car has turned into a three-story tall machinacal organism, using a spotlight to assumingly summon his commrades. Meanwhile, on an American military base in Qatar, two soldiers, Lennox and Epps, have just escaped an attack from a machine that went from a helicopter to a dangerous giant robot. As the robot was destroyed the base, he unleashed a smaller robot, who's chattering noises makes it deceptively funny, downloaded high priority, secretive government files. Guessing America is under attack (take you pick, China, Iran, North Korea, or Russia?), Defense Secretary Keller gets the troops ready for combat, while he rounds up the top hackers in the country to track who is responsible for the attack in Qatar and stealing of the files. One of those hackers is the nose-pierced, hot Australian Maggie Madsen, who goes her own and gets computer geek Glen Whitmann to crack the code. He finds something very startling, the two groups of robots, the Autobots and Decipitcons, two races of alien robots are fighting in an intergalactic war. America isn't under attack, but Earth is serving as a robotic reenactment of Normandy on D-Day. As a Detroiter, I was very pleased to see General Motors being shamelessly plugged, so that's always good for the struggling regional economy. Plus, many scenes were shot in Detroit in the final half-hour of the movie. On a scene shot on Woodward Avenue, where the Filmore Detroit and the State Bar are disguised as other buildings. Meanwhile, the Guardian Building, the Cadillac Building, and portion of Congress Street that goes from Joe Louis Arena to Woodward Avenue are also shown. The green sign of Fort Street is prominetley displayed. Most notably, the abdonded Michigan Central Station, a rotting former train station, is used for the climictic final showdown between Otimus Prime and Megatron. What isn't there to like in this movie? Big robots from another part of the solar system, computer game geekdom, hot chicks, and a proud, patroitic and individualistic feeling as you walk out. I remember playing with Transformers when I was a young child, and I remember vividly watching the cartoons. This really gives be a brand new appreciation of the Transformers line. I can't help but feel proud that as child, I idolized Optimus Prime and dispised Megatron. I feel that feeling of devotation to Transformers coming back to me all over again. Granted, I might not revert to toys, but it is fun to see those memories again, just projected on the big screen.

My time's up, you've been great. For the road: Nelly Furtado "All Good Things (Come To An End)"